April 1 — In a stunning announcement that will surely rock the running world, ultrarunner Dean Karnazes announced today that he is, in fact, a cyborg. “I cannot continue living a lie,” he stated before a stunned gathering of loyal fans at New York Running Company. “I have been bionic since 1989.”
Karnazes, who gained fame in 2006 when he ran 50 marathons in 50 states on 50 consecutive days, said that he was recruited in the late 80’s by a top-secret division of the United States Army. “It was the height of the Cold War. The Army was working with the CIA to develop ways to infiltrate Russia and other Communist countries.” Their plan: to develop a group of “super runners” who could literally run behind the Iron Curtain and provide surveillance and key intelligence. Karnazes submitted to the cybernetic transformation, which replaced key internal organs and limbs with carefully engineered, high-tech parts, able to withstand super-human levels of activity without rest.
Soon after, however, the Communist block fell. The Cold War was over. “I figured hey, why don’t I just continue to run?” And run. And run. . .
“C’mon, there’s really no other way to explain what I do. Humans just aren’t made to run so far, so often,” Karnazes said. “I am also solar powered,” added the always tan Karnazes. “That’s why I like to run without my shirt on.”
As for the ultra-running boom that he started in the United States? “I don’t know how people do it,” says Karnazes. “Hundred mile runs… across deserts, up mountains… it’s crazy. Really crazy!”
What does he want to say to today’s runners, many of whom follow his well publicized ultra-running exploits. “First of all, thanks for your support. But, listen to your body. Train hard but be realistic.”
His final bit of advice: “Do yourself a favor and get fitted for a great pair of running shoes at a store like New York Running Company. They really care about what they do and about their customers. Be sure to check out their training programs and fun group runs!”